Hypersensitivity and Authenticity

Yesterday I wrote for a solid two or three hours.  I can’t remember exactly how long, because I was in a flow state of mind.  And for the rest of the day I felt very, very good.  This morning I was wondering whether I wanted anyone to read what I had written, and a friend’s recent comment immediately came to mind:  “Who wants to read a blog?  They’re boring, just about what someone thought or did.”  That burst my tiny bubble of contentment, proving yet again the rightness of my former boss’s admonition:  “Judy, anybody who criticizes you can have you.” Although in this case it was me criticizing myself.

Enneagram authorities Don Richard Riso (now deceased) and Russ Hudson discuss Fours’ tendency towards hypersensitivity in The Wisdom of the Enneagram.  “They replay conversations in their imagination from the previous day or previous year, trying to arrive at what the other person was really saying to them.”  What I heard my friend saying was, “Judy, no one would ever want to read a blog written by you.  No one cares what you think or what you do.  You would just embarrass yourself if you wrote a blog about your life.”

Riso and Hudson suggest getting reality checks from people when what they say sounds like criticism or rejection.  They advise avoiding over-interpreting, and point out that other people really do not spend all their time scrutinizing you.  In truth, people are busy thinking about themselves most of the time.  My mother often said, “Judy, the whole world is not thinking about you.”  It was hard to believe at the time.

Riso and Hudson further add, “Notice, too, your degree of interest in others and the nature of your comments and thoughts about them.  Would you find this acceptable in them?”  This is a healthy step to take, and I consider that I really like my friend.  She’s intelligent, well-read, a journalist, and a published author.  However, in my mind I have made her into the spokesperson for the literary world.  Does she really want to be the arbiter of my particular tastes in what I read or what I want to express in words?  I doubt it.  Her opinion of blogs is her opinion, nothing more, and has nothing to do with me – unless I let it.

Unlike my friend, I adore memoirs and first-person meditations. Your story would fascinate me, whether you were famous or not, if I got to hear what was in your head while you were living your life – of course, here’s hoping that it’s well-written.  You are interesting to me because you are a fellow human learning the special lessons you were born to encounter in this lifetime. 

So I’ll keep writing these pages, because I am finally accepting my true nature – my Fourness, as I now call it.  Fours value creativity and individuality, and when they are healthy they are able to express themselves without fear or shame.  Authenticity, long patient and gentle, welcomes me.